perspective

So here's the deal. I'm so exhausted I can't even explain it. It is chronic and I feel it all the time. I've totally adjusted my standards so that my "good" isn't anything like what I used to feel like when I was "good." Today Haylee and I went to swim laps together, and I swam about half of what I usually swim and I tried to keep going but my arms wouldn't even move. It was so bizarre, but I just got out. I have an appointment scheduled to have some bloodwork done but I already know I'm in adrenal fatigue--there are times every day that my adrenals have completely shut down. If you think about a time you were really sleepy and couldn't keep your eyelids open, then apply that feeling to every muscle in your body, then you can maybe have some kind of idea what this feels like. So you'd think that I'd be really looking forward to hearing what the dr. has to say, but really the thought of even getting in there to talk about it is overwhelming and exhausting. I'm just too tired.

On a lighter note, the other night I went to dinner with the triplet moms, which was very much fun. We are starting to gel as friends now that we've met together several times so it's really starting to get fun because we're more comfortable with each other. One of the moms asked me how I can be so laid back and easy going with the kids. After thinking a bit, the answer came easily: perspective. About a year and a half ago one of my kids was going through a particularly difficult season of life combined with some medication that was affecting him adversely and for several weeks was having suicidal thoughts. Of course we did what we could to get him the help that he needed, but I was forced into facing the very real possibility that if his condition or whatever didn't improve, that I might lose him. Suddenly it doesn't seem like such a big deal if there are dishes in the kitchen sink or if one of the kids makes a mess on the kitchen floor, right? Also, it's no secret that I have a history of depression. I haven't had it regularly for about 5 years now, but there was a period of about 5 years where I struggled with it daily and it really affected my life and well-being and made being a mother almost impossible. Now, when I feel exhausted at the end of the day (or the middle of the day), I have the perspective that all it is is exhaustion. It is not depression, which is very different, trust me. I can handle being worn out. Good thing, cause I'm worn out! I'm so grateful to not be depressed, to be able to feel joy and experience joy in the daily grind of life. I'm so grateful that I can watch my babies' faces and feel their bliss through my exhaustion.

I remember a day when Haylee was 2 and she cut her hair on one side all the way up to the scalp. I completely freaked out. I was devastated! So I had my turn being that mom to whom everything is a big deal. Would I wish the difficult circumstances on another mother who lacks the perspective I have? Never in a million years. The experiences that have GIVEN me perspective have been heart-wrenching at times. Am I grateful for the perspective they have given me to weather the storms ahead? It is precious to me. But perspective isn't free, and it's not even cheap. It is forged from the storms of life, and even then only if we are willing to learn how to face those storms head on. I once told a wise mentor that at times I felt as though I was in a hurricane being tossed to a fro. He smiled and said that if I am teachable, that one day the storm would rage around me yet I would stand still and steady in its midst. Am I completely still and steady? Not all the time, but a lot more than I used to be.

That was my answer. I hope it helped.

exhaustion sets in...really sets in

I can't fall asleep, so I'm killing time with an update...about exhaustion. I am officially experiencing a level of exhaustion that I didn't know existed. Not to be one of those people that is all "Nobody knows just how I feel," but REALLY not everyone could know how I feel!
It's been rough lately. I have been experiencing adrenal dysfunction that I don't have another name for yet, but we're pursuing medical advice in many different forms...conventional, holistic, etc. My symptoms include exhaustion during the day that isn't normal, even for a mother of triplets, dizziness, drops in blood pressure, mostly exhaustion. It's a different kind of exhaustion...a complete emptiness. And yet sometimes at night I have sleeplessness because my adrenals kick in and keep me from falling asleep. I'm grateful to have discovered melatonin, because it is a much gentler sleep aid than the Ambien I was using.

But it's rough right now. The babies are adorable. I'm so grateful for them. They are exhausting. They are like little tornado babies rampaging through my house. Not only do they leave paths of destruction everywhere they go, but their activity prevents me from doing the normal household work I need to do. Of course they are so cute, starting to talk and say words, and every day that goes by I know I will regret not video taping every second of their lives, and yet I can't even remember to get out the video camera. Heck the other day someone suggested something specific that I should pray for during my nighttime prayers, and I laughingly told her that a lot of the time when I reach night time prayers I can't even remember to pray for my own children! The old adage about not going to bed with the kitchen messy...completely obsolete here. I'm grateful to just make it until evening in one piece! I need to hire someone to just come clean my kitchen every night. Oh, that would be awesome!

Weirdly enough, I feel compelled to teach swimming again this summer, even though my energy level is so low. It's my passion. I love it. It brings me so much satisfaction, so I'm going to do it. I'm going to do my best to keep my schedule under control. If I get too tired, I'll stop.

I live day to day, hanging on. I love my life, but I wish I had more energy to enjoy it more. I love all my kids. They are the jewels in my crown, the greatest blessings in my life. I am so honored to be their mother and earthly guide. The other day Haylee told me that in some ways she wishes her friends could be more like her mother. TRY THAT ONE ON FOR SIZE! Sweet! I must be doing something right! Or wrong...

10 Years Old

Who remembers what it was like to be 10 years old? I don't remember much. I know I had a major crush on Matt Heninger. My 4th grade teacher was Mrs. Spackman. I remember liking her but I talked to a friend of mine a while back who remembers her as a crabby old hag. Hmmm. That was the summer I set some state records in swimming. I was tan from all the time outdoors. I traveled to Albequerque New Mexico for a track meet. Camille Woolley was my best friend. She's still one of my best friends!

Well, my sweet Tyson turns 10 today. Double digits. He's growing up! Really, really fast. He's awesome, you know?! He loves sports--mainly basketball and soccer. He started piano lessons in December and has taken off learning. He's a wonderful student, capable and applies himself! He is helpful, loves mowing the lawn (well, sometimes loves it), jumps right to it when his baby sisters are in harm's way, and is an incredible swimmer. His challenges??? He has picked up on the anxiety that Tanner has finally got a grip on. I think the past 2 years have taken their toll on him. He sometimes just needs to be home, and sometimes needs to be right by my side in order to feel okay. He's pretty sensitive--if a classmate says "shutup" or something to that effect he automatically thinks that person hates him. These things will someday bring him strength and growth but right now are causing him stress!

However, he's 10 and I'm so amazed that it has been 10 years since I pushed and delivered a cute 9 pound baby boy who was actually a little gray in color and ended up in the NICU for 6 days. Happy birthday, my little sports nut! I love you!

Triplet moms

I'm fortunate enough to have been drafted by the "Utah Triplet Moms" on Facebook, a group of women who all have triplets of their own--how unique! Anyhow, we have begun having "GNOs," or girls' nights out, to give us some time away and friends who know what we are experiencing to chat with and gain support and insight with. This has been so fun for me.

Last weekend we were able to have a "Girls' Night IN" at my parents' house and we had a great time eating pizza, chatting, eating ice cream sundaes, and chatting some more. Quite a few of our group couldn't make it, but we were able to snap a photo with those who could come!

Photo Shoot

I didn't get the babies in for their 1 year old birthday, but at least I will have this picture of them when they are 15 months! Aren't they adorable? There are more pictures on my facebook page if you want to see more.