perspective

So here's the deal. I'm so exhausted I can't even explain it. It is chronic and I feel it all the time. I've totally adjusted my standards so that my "good" isn't anything like what I used to feel like when I was "good." Today Haylee and I went to swim laps together, and I swam about half of what I usually swim and I tried to keep going but my arms wouldn't even move. It was so bizarre, but I just got out. I have an appointment scheduled to have some bloodwork done but I already know I'm in adrenal fatigue--there are times every day that my adrenals have completely shut down. If you think about a time you were really sleepy and couldn't keep your eyelids open, then apply that feeling to every muscle in your body, then you can maybe have some kind of idea what this feels like. So you'd think that I'd be really looking forward to hearing what the dr. has to say, but really the thought of even getting in there to talk about it is overwhelming and exhausting. I'm just too tired.

On a lighter note, the other night I went to dinner with the triplet moms, which was very much fun. We are starting to gel as friends now that we've met together several times so it's really starting to get fun because we're more comfortable with each other. One of the moms asked me how I can be so laid back and easy going with the kids. After thinking a bit, the answer came easily: perspective. About a year and a half ago one of my kids was going through a particularly difficult season of life combined with some medication that was affecting him adversely and for several weeks was having suicidal thoughts. Of course we did what we could to get him the help that he needed, but I was forced into facing the very real possibility that if his condition or whatever didn't improve, that I might lose him. Suddenly it doesn't seem like such a big deal if there are dishes in the kitchen sink or if one of the kids makes a mess on the kitchen floor, right? Also, it's no secret that I have a history of depression. I haven't had it regularly for about 5 years now, but there was a period of about 5 years where I struggled with it daily and it really affected my life and well-being and made being a mother almost impossible. Now, when I feel exhausted at the end of the day (or the middle of the day), I have the perspective that all it is is exhaustion. It is not depression, which is very different, trust me. I can handle being worn out. Good thing, cause I'm worn out! I'm so grateful to not be depressed, to be able to feel joy and experience joy in the daily grind of life. I'm so grateful that I can watch my babies' faces and feel their bliss through my exhaustion.

I remember a day when Haylee was 2 and she cut her hair on one side all the way up to the scalp. I completely freaked out. I was devastated! So I had my turn being that mom to whom everything is a big deal. Would I wish the difficult circumstances on another mother who lacks the perspective I have? Never in a million years. The experiences that have GIVEN me perspective have been heart-wrenching at times. Am I grateful for the perspective they have given me to weather the storms ahead? It is precious to me. But perspective isn't free, and it's not even cheap. It is forged from the storms of life, and even then only if we are willing to learn how to face those storms head on. I once told a wise mentor that at times I felt as though I was in a hurricane being tossed to a fro. He smiled and said that if I am teachable, that one day the storm would rage around me yet I would stand still and steady in its midst. Am I completely still and steady? Not all the time, but a lot more than I used to be.

That was my answer. I hope it helped.