Long Hiatus

It's been a long time. Really long. More than four years, I think, since I posted last. I have thought time and time again that I should go post, record what's going on, so that we remember it. But I've been in a deep patch of life for a couple of years. Several, actually.

And where to begin? I have no idea. My life is a swirling mess of highest highs and lowest lows. I've suffered heart break that has put me down completely, and watched my children learn and grow and soar and nosedive and then soar again. The triplets are now 8. They were baptized, and it was amazing. The thought of trying to catch up on all that has happened is daunting. I can't do it. I would just have to shut the post down again and not even try, so I'll just post other stuff.

Tanner is directing a musical called "Putting It Together: a Sondheim Review" and it has been a crazy huge project and he has definitely bitten off more than he can chew, but he is handling it with much grace and chewing as fast as he can. He has a cast of 25 teenagers and it's going to be stunning. It opens next weekend and I'm so excited for him. Ben is in it as well, and I'm sure he'll be fabulous.

I'm too tired to keep writing, so I'm gonna just post an updated picture of our family.

There we are at Oceanside this past summer. We look good. Somehow, by the grace of a loving Heavenly Father, we have weathered the storms of life and stayed together. I'm truly blessed.

Rowdy Gaines Masters Classic Swim Meet, October 2012

 My brother-in-law Dennis captured this photo.  I'm pretty excited about it!

 With the legend himself.  Rowdy Gaines.  Such a nice guy, you can tell by his great smile!

 I made some terrific women friends--Chris Livingston and Judy Gaines. One of the highlights.

 I managed to find another BYU Alumni!  Terry Livingston.

I'm not really a  backstroker, but I like this photo a lot!

I had the opportunity to travel to Orlando, Florida to swim in the Rowdy Gaines' Masters Classic this past October.  It was such a blast!  There were several former and current Olympians there, and I even got to swim in a heat with a couple of them.  Thankfully, most of my races I didn't have to swim against them cause they were screamin fast!  I felt honored to swim in the same pool in the same competitions with such high caliber swimmers and meet people who had achieved the pinnacle of success in this sport.  My sister, Lisa, livesi n orlando so she and her husband each spent a day with me there and Dennis brought his awesome camera to snap some photos.  

I swam decent--it took a few races to get going.  My races the 2nd day were much faster than the first.  I was able to set 6 new state records in the Women's 40-44 age group.  I believe these were the 50 Free, 50 Fly, 100 IM, 200 Breaststroke, 200 Free, 50 Backstroke.  It's pretty cool that amidst all my depletion of energy this year that I was able to go do this fun thing, and spending a few days away form my family provided so much R&R!  

We also went to Cocoa Beach and did some shopping, and I napped every day! :)  

You gotta do stuff you love!  It makes life so much more fun!

The Big Picture

For those of you wondering, most of my tests came back negative.  Which is good in a way, because it means that I should be healthy...of course, I don't always feel great, so it would be nice to have additional answers. 

Hypothyroid is one of them, and that one we already knew.  We are working on getting that medication figured out.  Thanks to those who have given me some good tips.  I am definitely exploring ALL my options.

We also know that I had mononucleosis last fall during the months when I could hardly get out of bed, but that it's gone now.  No candida, no Epstein Barr, so I guess it just boils down to what we do know, and that is hypothyroid and leaky gut syndrome.  I'm off gluten and I always feel so much better when I'm perfect in my gluten abstinence.  It would be nice to have some majestic "A-HA!!!" answer, but for now I guess I will just continue to muddle through and do my best. 

My Uncle Roger wrote a piece about me on his blog, and even though I typically shy away from that kind of thing, and even put off reading it this whole entire day even after he called and begged my mom to get me to read it, I finally sat down tonight and read it.  And I liked it.  Sometimes it helps to see ourselves through another's eyes, and his eyes are certainly seeing me in a positive light.  It made me feel good, and like maybe I'm gonna get through this.  So many days I feel like I have just given up, that I'm so weak in body and spirit.  Somehow he managed to capture the big picture and show me that I haven't given up, but that it is quite the contrary--I persist with determination and resilience.  I don't think I usually see myself that way, but after reading his account of me, I do realize that I am not failing, but I am succeeding one day at a time, by not giving up and continuing to try to take care of myself so that I can care for my children. 

He even called me a "Hero."

I'm not sure I would ever use that word to describe myself, but having him say it made me realize that perhaps I have qualities that others want to emulate, and that I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, because (as Olympic Gymnast Gabby Douglas so gracefully stated after her gold medal win this summer) "The hard days are when champions are made."

(by the way, if you want to read my Uncle's post, visit www.tipsfromaman.blogspot.com.  He will be so excited I sent you there!)

tired

If you are one of those people who likes things all rosy and thinks that anyone who posts about their hardship without having a clean and tidy resolution is complaining, you should probably not read my post.  Really, move on to the next happy daisy story. 

If you're a person who struggles, however, and thinks it's okay to struggle, and thinks it's okay to share your struggle, even if you're still in themiddle of it, then you're welcome to read on.  There's nothing earth shattering here.  Just some thoughts cause I can't sleep.

I haven't posted in a long time.  I don't really have a reason for the absence, except that stuff is tough.  Life stuff.  It's tough.  It seems that I can't ever get enough sleep, get enough energy, get enough time for my kids, get enough of the right kinds of foods, get enough time for myself, enough time for exercise, one-on-one time, date time with my spouse, and on an on.  Did I mention I have 7?  Kids?

A funny thing triplet moms like to do is to share funny/obnoxious/thoughtless things that people say to them when they find out they have triplets.  Then one day someone posted on our triplet moms' facebook page that one of the most common quotes that people recite to her is, "God wouldn't give you more than you can handle."

I couldn't resist.  I commented, "Yes, that's what I used to think, too." 

And everyone pressed like and thought that I was so funny for posting that.

I wasn't kidding.  That's the irony of it.  I used to think cheerful, positive thoughts like that all the time.  Back when my life was manageable and everything had its place and I had enough energy to put thoughts together.  In my former life when I showered regularly and made dinner(with vegetables, even) and my kids telling me they had homework didn't completely send me into stress overload because I knew they would need help with it or they wouldn't have told me about it, and when I could remember that we had dental appointments written on the calendar, and that there was laundry in the washing machine (before it had been there for three days), I had all sorts of positive, thoughtful, motivating thoughts about life and our journey here.  I used to be one of those people.  Way less cynical than I am now.  And I'm not implying for one second that it was bad that I was that way.  I was good.  I liked it.  I had lots of friends, too.  People calling me to do stuff, hang out, go out, etc.  Lots of them.  It was working.

Now I'm just tired.  And my back hurts.  And my thyroid isn't working right, not to mention my adrenals.  In fact, my doctor is running a full panel of bloodwork because so many things aren't working properly and he's hoping to get to the bottom of it.  I don't know what he's going to find out.  Maybe I have mono.  Or Epstein Barr.  Probably Hashimoto's disease.  And certainly hypoglycemia, not to mention I've been suspicious of fibromyalgia for a while and I'm gluten intolerant.  Chronic fatigue anyone?  Does loneliness show up on blood tests?  Or how about frustration?  And how does accelerated levels of sibling rivalry in the home as well as excessive toddler screaming manifest itself?

I'm not complaining--I'm just illustrating that I am T.I.R.E.D.  So that nice little thought about God not giving us more than we can handle?  It's a nice thought, but I no longer buy it.  I think someone just made that up one day because it seemed true, and it helped them to feel better about themselves somehow, and people now say it to me because then they feel better about my circumstances, because they cannot possible fathom how I do what I do each day, so they need to just feel better about it.  (If it really helps you and inspires you, please don't listen to me.  I'm probably wrong anyway.)

I just don't buy it anymore.  God blessed me with so much more than I can handle it's ridiculous.  This is not the part of the post where you are inspired to tell me that there are people who have it so much worse off or harder than me.  Believe me, plenty of people feel "inspired" to share that with me.  Thanks but no thanks.  People, when someone is drowing it is not the moment to point across the water to another person who is drowning, and a much worse swimmer!  Seriously,  I am well aware that my friends' whose son has been battling leukemia for 4 years now, or my friend whose husband died, leaving her to raise her 4 kids on her own, or my other friend whose husband was a liar and a cheater have circumstances that make mine look like a walk in the park. 

I just wish I had more energy to walk in the park.  I desperately NEED more energy for this walk in the park!

So here's my suggestion to you, my anonymous reader.  If there is someone in your life that you have been meaning to serve, who you think might need your help, even if they never ask, just GO FOR IT.  Show up, take a meal over, help them clean their kitchen, or their bathroom, or read to their kids, or give their kids a ride, or have their kids over to play, or give them a massage, or take them out to dinner, or offer to watch their kids while they go out to dinner,or fold their laundry, or tidy their family room, or organize their closets, or think of something else.  Just DO something.  Don't wait to be asked.  Do it soon, and often, while you're thinking about it. 

People ask other people all the time, "What can I do for you?"  Stop asking.  Just do.  If they don't need your help, they will appreciate the gesture, and if they do need your help, they will be thankful beyond words.  BEYOND WORDS, so don't wait for words.  You might catch a tear or two (or one hundred) rolling down their cheeks, so please just translate them into words.  Do it because you love them.  Do it because they need you.  Do it because you realize that someone in their circumstance is so tired of asking for help and needing help that you don't want them to have to do that anymore.

Hmm.  That wasn't where I was going when I started this post.  Interesting how I ended up here.

Anyway, I'm tired.  And because my adrenals are all wacky, I can't sleep.  How nice.  If you fall asleep easily, you probably take that for granted.  Don't feel guilty, I would, too.  If I were to fall asleep easily.  Then I might take for granted having enough energy to get up tomorrow, and care for my kids.  If that day ever comes again, I hope that I will remember not to take it for granted.

The New Year

I'm not big on New Year's Resolutions. I've always said that I believe that if you see a change that you need to make, just do it NOW...don't wait for a magical day in the future like January 1 to do it. I live by that creed also. I always have.

For some reason, this year is different. I didn't plan it that way, it just happened. Somewhere between the hustle and bustle of the holidays and New Year's Eve I had a crisis moment--or series of moments--when everything seemed to be falling apart, including me emotionally, and I realized that change must happen, the sooner the better.

My meltdown crisis just happened to conincide with the New Year this year. So for the first time in many, many years, I am making some New Year's Resolutions! But to me my "resolutions" differ from typical resolutions, like "eat less sugar" or "go to the gym" or "lose 20 lbs" or "read my scriptures daily," because rather than making task lists, I'm changing the way I live my life. My heart has been stirred and I have been moved to change the way I live. Changing the way I live will involve task lists, but those are incidental.

So here goes. Here are some of the ways my life is changing in 2012.

1. I am now a better listener. To my husband. To my children. To those around me. To wise council, to toddlers who are distraught, to my elders. To my son who has anxiety, someone to listen to him is one of the most important aspects of his life.

2. For the past week as I have been praying for inspiration pertaining to how to more effectively run my household, I have felt the quiet whisperings that I have come to know so well repeating again and again, "Stay home. Take care of your family." So, while I recognize that I AM already home a lot, that I don't work full time or take weekend vacations often, perhaps I can more effectively BE home when I am here. Be present. Attend to the needs of my family. Be the mom.

3. Be proactive as a mother. I have only a few years to equip my children with so many skills and values, such as house cleaning, time management, communcation skills, relationship skills, organizational skills, etc. I will be more proactive at teaching them what I can about these things and involving them in the processes of the home.

4. De-junk. It's time. It has been neglected ever since I got pregnant with the triplets. I can ignore it no longer. Yesterday I took two trash bags full of junky toys to the trash can. Today I loaded two full that will go to charity. It's a start. I have a long way to go. I still have so much brain fog from my pregnancy, but I think that decluttering my home will help to declutter my mind. I need order here. It's time.

5. Be inspired. Not that I haven't done this in the past. But I feel a need to recommit.

6. Be gentle to myself. I am definitely my own worst critic.

7. Get more sleep, and don't feel guilty about it. I need it!

Here we go. Inspired, I look forward to a year of growth and changes. I'm only one mom, but I am the only mom my children have. Every day is an opportunity to choose my path and create the home I want to live in. Some days I will most certainly fall short of what I would like, but I will continue to strive for the best I can be. It feels like a fresh start. There is much work to do.