tired

If you are one of those people who likes things all rosy and thinks that anyone who posts about their hardship without having a clean and tidy resolution is complaining, you should probably not read my post.  Really, move on to the next happy daisy story. 

If you're a person who struggles, however, and thinks it's okay to struggle, and thinks it's okay to share your struggle, even if you're still in themiddle of it, then you're welcome to read on.  There's nothing earth shattering here.  Just some thoughts cause I can't sleep.

I haven't posted in a long time.  I don't really have a reason for the absence, except that stuff is tough.  Life stuff.  It's tough.  It seems that I can't ever get enough sleep, get enough energy, get enough time for my kids, get enough of the right kinds of foods, get enough time for myself, enough time for exercise, one-on-one time, date time with my spouse, and on an on.  Did I mention I have 7?  Kids?

A funny thing triplet moms like to do is to share funny/obnoxious/thoughtless things that people say to them when they find out they have triplets.  Then one day someone posted on our triplet moms' facebook page that one of the most common quotes that people recite to her is, "God wouldn't give you more than you can handle."

I couldn't resist.  I commented, "Yes, that's what I used to think, too." 

And everyone pressed like and thought that I was so funny for posting that.

I wasn't kidding.  That's the irony of it.  I used to think cheerful, positive thoughts like that all the time.  Back when my life was manageable and everything had its place and I had enough energy to put thoughts together.  In my former life when I showered regularly and made dinner(with vegetables, even) and my kids telling me they had homework didn't completely send me into stress overload because I knew they would need help with it or they wouldn't have told me about it, and when I could remember that we had dental appointments written on the calendar, and that there was laundry in the washing machine (before it had been there for three days), I had all sorts of positive, thoughtful, motivating thoughts about life and our journey here.  I used to be one of those people.  Way less cynical than I am now.  And I'm not implying for one second that it was bad that I was that way.  I was good.  I liked it.  I had lots of friends, too.  People calling me to do stuff, hang out, go out, etc.  Lots of them.  It was working.

Now I'm just tired.  And my back hurts.  And my thyroid isn't working right, not to mention my adrenals.  In fact, my doctor is running a full panel of bloodwork because so many things aren't working properly and he's hoping to get to the bottom of it.  I don't know what he's going to find out.  Maybe I have mono.  Or Epstein Barr.  Probably Hashimoto's disease.  And certainly hypoglycemia, not to mention I've been suspicious of fibromyalgia for a while and I'm gluten intolerant.  Chronic fatigue anyone?  Does loneliness show up on blood tests?  Or how about frustration?  And how does accelerated levels of sibling rivalry in the home as well as excessive toddler screaming manifest itself?

I'm not complaining--I'm just illustrating that I am T.I.R.E.D.  So that nice little thought about God not giving us more than we can handle?  It's a nice thought, but I no longer buy it.  I think someone just made that up one day because it seemed true, and it helped them to feel better about themselves somehow, and people now say it to me because then they feel better about my circumstances, because they cannot possible fathom how I do what I do each day, so they need to just feel better about it.  (If it really helps you and inspires you, please don't listen to me.  I'm probably wrong anyway.)

I just don't buy it anymore.  God blessed me with so much more than I can handle it's ridiculous.  This is not the part of the post where you are inspired to tell me that there are people who have it so much worse off or harder than me.  Believe me, plenty of people feel "inspired" to share that with me.  Thanks but no thanks.  People, when someone is drowing it is not the moment to point across the water to another person who is drowning, and a much worse swimmer!  Seriously,  I am well aware that my friends' whose son has been battling leukemia for 4 years now, or my friend whose husband died, leaving her to raise her 4 kids on her own, or my other friend whose husband was a liar and a cheater have circumstances that make mine look like a walk in the park. 

I just wish I had more energy to walk in the park.  I desperately NEED more energy for this walk in the park!

So here's my suggestion to you, my anonymous reader.  If there is someone in your life that you have been meaning to serve, who you think might need your help, even if they never ask, just GO FOR IT.  Show up, take a meal over, help them clean their kitchen, or their bathroom, or read to their kids, or give their kids a ride, or have their kids over to play, or give them a massage, or take them out to dinner, or offer to watch their kids while they go out to dinner,or fold their laundry, or tidy their family room, or organize their closets, or think of something else.  Just DO something.  Don't wait to be asked.  Do it soon, and often, while you're thinking about it. 

People ask other people all the time, "What can I do for you?"  Stop asking.  Just do.  If they don't need your help, they will appreciate the gesture, and if they do need your help, they will be thankful beyond words.  BEYOND WORDS, so don't wait for words.  You might catch a tear or two (or one hundred) rolling down their cheeks, so please just translate them into words.  Do it because you love them.  Do it because they need you.  Do it because you realize that someone in their circumstance is so tired of asking for help and needing help that you don't want them to have to do that anymore.

Hmm.  That wasn't where I was going when I started this post.  Interesting how I ended up here.

Anyway, I'm tired.  And because my adrenals are all wacky, I can't sleep.  How nice.  If you fall asleep easily, you probably take that for granted.  Don't feel guilty, I would, too.  If I were to fall asleep easily.  Then I might take for granted having enough energy to get up tomorrow, and care for my kids.  If that day ever comes again, I hope that I will remember not to take it for granted.