tired

If you are one of those people who likes things all rosy and thinks that anyone who posts about their hardship without having a clean and tidy resolution is complaining, you should probably not read my post.  Really, move on to the next happy daisy story. 

If you're a person who struggles, however, and thinks it's okay to struggle, and thinks it's okay to share your struggle, even if you're still in themiddle of it, then you're welcome to read on.  There's nothing earth shattering here.  Just some thoughts cause I can't sleep.

I haven't posted in a long time.  I don't really have a reason for the absence, except that stuff is tough.  Life stuff.  It's tough.  It seems that I can't ever get enough sleep, get enough energy, get enough time for my kids, get enough of the right kinds of foods, get enough time for myself, enough time for exercise, one-on-one time, date time with my spouse, and on an on.  Did I mention I have 7?  Kids?

A funny thing triplet moms like to do is to share funny/obnoxious/thoughtless things that people say to them when they find out they have triplets.  Then one day someone posted on our triplet moms' facebook page that one of the most common quotes that people recite to her is, "God wouldn't give you more than you can handle."

I couldn't resist.  I commented, "Yes, that's what I used to think, too." 

And everyone pressed like and thought that I was so funny for posting that.

I wasn't kidding.  That's the irony of it.  I used to think cheerful, positive thoughts like that all the time.  Back when my life was manageable and everything had its place and I had enough energy to put thoughts together.  In my former life when I showered regularly and made dinner(with vegetables, even) and my kids telling me they had homework didn't completely send me into stress overload because I knew they would need help with it or they wouldn't have told me about it, and when I could remember that we had dental appointments written on the calendar, and that there was laundry in the washing machine (before it had been there for three days), I had all sorts of positive, thoughtful, motivating thoughts about life and our journey here.  I used to be one of those people.  Way less cynical than I am now.  And I'm not implying for one second that it was bad that I was that way.  I was good.  I liked it.  I had lots of friends, too.  People calling me to do stuff, hang out, go out, etc.  Lots of them.  It was working.

Now I'm just tired.  And my back hurts.  And my thyroid isn't working right, not to mention my adrenals.  In fact, my doctor is running a full panel of bloodwork because so many things aren't working properly and he's hoping to get to the bottom of it.  I don't know what he's going to find out.  Maybe I have mono.  Or Epstein Barr.  Probably Hashimoto's disease.  And certainly hypoglycemia, not to mention I've been suspicious of fibromyalgia for a while and I'm gluten intolerant.  Chronic fatigue anyone?  Does loneliness show up on blood tests?  Or how about frustration?  And how does accelerated levels of sibling rivalry in the home as well as excessive toddler screaming manifest itself?

I'm not complaining--I'm just illustrating that I am T.I.R.E.D.  So that nice little thought about God not giving us more than we can handle?  It's a nice thought, but I no longer buy it.  I think someone just made that up one day because it seemed true, and it helped them to feel better about themselves somehow, and people now say it to me because then they feel better about my circumstances, because they cannot possible fathom how I do what I do each day, so they need to just feel better about it.  (If it really helps you and inspires you, please don't listen to me.  I'm probably wrong anyway.)

I just don't buy it anymore.  God blessed me with so much more than I can handle it's ridiculous.  This is not the part of the post where you are inspired to tell me that there are people who have it so much worse off or harder than me.  Believe me, plenty of people feel "inspired" to share that with me.  Thanks but no thanks.  People, when someone is drowing it is not the moment to point across the water to another person who is drowning, and a much worse swimmer!  Seriously,  I am well aware that my friends' whose son has been battling leukemia for 4 years now, or my friend whose husband died, leaving her to raise her 4 kids on her own, or my other friend whose husband was a liar and a cheater have circumstances that make mine look like a walk in the park. 

I just wish I had more energy to walk in the park.  I desperately NEED more energy for this walk in the park!

So here's my suggestion to you, my anonymous reader.  If there is someone in your life that you have been meaning to serve, who you think might need your help, even if they never ask, just GO FOR IT.  Show up, take a meal over, help them clean their kitchen, or their bathroom, or read to their kids, or give their kids a ride, or have their kids over to play, or give them a massage, or take them out to dinner, or offer to watch their kids while they go out to dinner,or fold their laundry, or tidy their family room, or organize their closets, or think of something else.  Just DO something.  Don't wait to be asked.  Do it soon, and often, while you're thinking about it. 

People ask other people all the time, "What can I do for you?"  Stop asking.  Just do.  If they don't need your help, they will appreciate the gesture, and if they do need your help, they will be thankful beyond words.  BEYOND WORDS, so don't wait for words.  You might catch a tear or two (or one hundred) rolling down their cheeks, so please just translate them into words.  Do it because you love them.  Do it because they need you.  Do it because you realize that someone in their circumstance is so tired of asking for help and needing help that you don't want them to have to do that anymore.

Hmm.  That wasn't where I was going when I started this post.  Interesting how I ended up here.

Anyway, I'm tired.  And because my adrenals are all wacky, I can't sleep.  How nice.  If you fall asleep easily, you probably take that for granted.  Don't feel guilty, I would, too.  If I were to fall asleep easily.  Then I might take for granted having enough energy to get up tomorrow, and care for my kids.  If that day ever comes again, I hope that I will remember not to take it for granted.

The New Year

I'm not big on New Year's Resolutions. I've always said that I believe that if you see a change that you need to make, just do it NOW...don't wait for a magical day in the future like January 1 to do it. I live by that creed also. I always have.

For some reason, this year is different. I didn't plan it that way, it just happened. Somewhere between the hustle and bustle of the holidays and New Year's Eve I had a crisis moment--or series of moments--when everything seemed to be falling apart, including me emotionally, and I realized that change must happen, the sooner the better.

My meltdown crisis just happened to conincide with the New Year this year. So for the first time in many, many years, I am making some New Year's Resolutions! But to me my "resolutions" differ from typical resolutions, like "eat less sugar" or "go to the gym" or "lose 20 lbs" or "read my scriptures daily," because rather than making task lists, I'm changing the way I live my life. My heart has been stirred and I have been moved to change the way I live. Changing the way I live will involve task lists, but those are incidental.

So here goes. Here are some of the ways my life is changing in 2012.

1. I am now a better listener. To my husband. To my children. To those around me. To wise council, to toddlers who are distraught, to my elders. To my son who has anxiety, someone to listen to him is one of the most important aspects of his life.

2. For the past week as I have been praying for inspiration pertaining to how to more effectively run my household, I have felt the quiet whisperings that I have come to know so well repeating again and again, "Stay home. Take care of your family." So, while I recognize that I AM already home a lot, that I don't work full time or take weekend vacations often, perhaps I can more effectively BE home when I am here. Be present. Attend to the needs of my family. Be the mom.

3. Be proactive as a mother. I have only a few years to equip my children with so many skills and values, such as house cleaning, time management, communcation skills, relationship skills, organizational skills, etc. I will be more proactive at teaching them what I can about these things and involving them in the processes of the home.

4. De-junk. It's time. It has been neglected ever since I got pregnant with the triplets. I can ignore it no longer. Yesterday I took two trash bags full of junky toys to the trash can. Today I loaded two full that will go to charity. It's a start. I have a long way to go. I still have so much brain fog from my pregnancy, but I think that decluttering my home will help to declutter my mind. I need order here. It's time.

5. Be inspired. Not that I haven't done this in the past. But I feel a need to recommit.

6. Be gentle to myself. I am definitely my own worst critic.

7. Get more sleep, and don't feel guilty about it. I need it!

Here we go. Inspired, I look forward to a year of growth and changes. I'm only one mom, but I am the only mom my children have. Every day is an opportunity to choose my path and create the home I want to live in. Some days I will most certainly fall short of what I would like, but I will continue to strive for the best I can be. It feels like a fresh start. There is much work to do.

Triplets Turn 3!

November 5, 2011

Three years ago today I gave birth to three little girls who have turned my life upside down and carved out a place in my heart and I will never be the same again! Their arrival has brought me extremes I had never known: exhaustion, sleep deprivation, frustration, feeling of inadequacy, desperation, home upheaval, chaos, and exapsperation! Not to mention a myriad of physical woes aside from just... carrying them and delivering them. But in those very moments of upheaval, they also have stretched my heart, expanded my abilities as a mother, developed my sense of humor, and helped me to enjoy the moment. I've learned to recognize my angels, depend on others, find peace in my imperfection, and savor the tender mercies of the Lord. I am a better mother, friend, and human being because they came to be my daughters. And while it's challenging, messy, chaotic, and crazy most of the time, I feel more lavished by the love of God who knows better how to heal wounded souls with three precious little girls than I can explain. Who also knew that I would have more courage inside of me than I knew existed. Happy Birthday precious Hannah, Bella, and Eden! I am forever grateful to call you mine!

Easier?

It's about time I post their 2-year old photos, right?

People keep asking me if it's "getting easier" now that the girls are "older." People, stop asking me that. I have 7 kids, three 2-year-olds. It's getting messier, louder, more mobile, and sometimes more fun, but easier? No. Not really.

I've heard that age 4.5 is kind of magic, though. I'll let you know in a year and a half. Which seems like FOREVER from now.

My busy life

You may think I fell off the edge of the planet...well, I did, so to speak! Fell off the blogging planet anyway. My life is completely FULL--to the brim in ways I cannot describe. I never even posted about the results from Nationals, which were surprising and amazing, to say the least. That weekend I swam faster than I even imagined I could. It was crazy. I swam 6 individual events and placed in the top 10 in 5 of them. I smashed my previous times and won all my heats. I even raised my head after one race to hear the announcer over the speaker saying my name and stating my time and how much time I had dropped. It was blissful and fun and a huge adventure. I made friends with other swimmers who swim the masters circuit and even ran into an old swimming acquaintance from my youth--unbelievably, she recognized me! I guess I must look the same. The morning I awakened to fly home, there was a text message from my friend who is the chairman of the Utah Masters' Swimming Association notifying me that I had broken a state record in the 100 IM that had stood since 1993! THAT wasn't even on my radar, but how fun! I returned home with a new zest for life and sense of achievement that I couldn't have acquired any other way. And you know what? I seriously have the triplets to thank. If I had not traveled that road--the torturous pregnancy that I barely survived and the 2 years of sleep deprivation, not to mention the other body woes such as weight gain and chronic fatigue set on by hormonal depletion and adrenal fatigue...and let me not forget the mental exhaustion and craziness from caring for them the first 2 years--I don't think I would have ever summoned up the sheer will it took to get back in shape after all these years, train for, and race in a meet among other top athletes in the nation! But what a blast!

But there are other developments in my busy life that are just as noteworthy! Almost a year ago Lifetime Fitness hired me to develop their youth swim program into something respectable, (at the time they had a whopping 9 kids in the program) so I spent the winter months working on that and trying to get approval for a team in the Salt Lake Country Club Swimming and Diving League, which turned out to be no small task. They do not allow people into the league easily! We were finally approved by the league in March, and after jumping through quite a few hoops to get our initial payments paid, I set out to create a brand new team! After years of coaching as an assistant to 6 different head coaches, I have quite a few opinions about how a team should be run--and this summer I had the opportunity to set them in motion and test them out.

AND IT WORKED! Lifetime Fitness now has a thriving youth swim program! We began the season with about 30 kids, and ended the season with 70, and we are just beginning. I hired an old friend from back in my Utah All-Stars days, Kyle Lambson, to be my assistant coach, and we rocked the swim world! In the conference championships we even beat two other teams to finish 8th overall! So what are my opinions, you might wonder? Well, first is passion--it is important for kids to develop a passion for the sport. Swimming is a ton of work, and if it's no fun with no reward, kids get worn out very soon. Next is vision--not only do I have to have vision for how our team is going to be, but I must instill in every swimmer a vision of who they are to become as swimmers. Then comes communication--between coaches, swimmers, parents, all around. When people know what's going on, they are happy. When they don't, they are frustrated. Finally, I included life concepts into our training. Hey, when I have a captive youth audience (and what's more captive than in a swimming pool for 2 hours/day?), I'm going to capitalize on it! So I selected the following life concepts and introduced them one by one each week throughout the season:

RESPECT, PERSERVERENCE, COURAGE, GOAL-SETTING, UNITY, TEAMWORK, AND ENDURING TO THE END (we often referred to this as "race to the finish!")

I saw tremendous personal growth in the kids as they developed as swimmers that made my job so much more rewarding. We began the season with a group of kids who didn't know what the heck they were doing and finished the season with a SWIM TEAM, who were unified and happy, and even swimming FAST! It was absolutely amazing. More than amazing. Astounding. Even though I knew it could be done, it amazed me to see it come to fruition. Once again, the Lord has proven to me that "If I build it, they will come!" to use an old phrase! I am so proud of my team. I love them and know them and am so grateful that 3 years ago I was unappreciated at my former job so much that I felt the need to leave, albeit brokenhearted. I'm so grateful that my 2 years spent at Pepperwood was laced with the feeling of not being needed and league controversy so that I felt compelled to pursue starting a brand new program. I feel more sure than ever that when life seems confusing, feels painful, and the path appears dark--that the Lord knows where he is taking me and by darn I just better trust HIM, because wherever He's taking me is always more grand and more beautiful than I would have ever experienced had I stayed where I was!

So yes, this year has been full of much work and stress, and had its moments of joy as well as fears and frustration. I'm still trying to figure out how to mother three 2-year olds. I better hurry, cause I've only got another month and then they'll be 3. Yesterday for the first time I had that sinking feeling you get when you realize your baby is growing up. I have been barely hanging on for so long that I haven't really regretted their growth AT ALL. But when I told someone yesterday that they would be 3 in 6 weeks, for a moment my breath was taken away and I felt a glimpse of panic. What if I'm missing anything? What if I forget what they were like? What if I look back and realize that I missed something or that I wish I'd done it differently? All those things we silly moms worry about.

I have peace in the knowledge that I am doing the best I can. That when I need time off, it is truly for my survival. That someday I will have enough pictures, enough videos, enough memories to keep their childhood alive. I love it when people say to me (someone said this today, in fact) "Was it SO hard when they were little???" Ahem...are you looking at them? Aren't they STILL little? It's challenging for sure. If only I could be everything to everyone then maybe all would run smoothly! Alas, this earth doesn't run smoothly, and that's the WHOLE POINT! It's gonna be chaos, painful, joyful, stressful, tearful, exhausting, and exhilirating...sometimes all at the same time! If everything went smoothly, none of us would ever develop the skills we need to survive and thrive! None of us would ever face challenges, hence none of us would ever grow and rise above and BECOME who we are designed to be.

So I will go take a nap. Cause I'm tired. And I've got a lot to do when those little girls wake up from their naps and those older kids get home from school.